Welcome, art aficionados and jest enthusiasts alike! Prepare to embark on a journey through the whimsical world of art history like never before.
Today, we have a special treat for you… a collection of comedy straight from the witty mind of Dr. Mark Stocker, a prolific art historical publisher and joke writer, who lives in sedate semi-retirement in Christchurch, New Zealand. (Big thanks to you, Dr. Stocker, for sharing your humor!)
Get ready to chuckle, snicker, and maybe even snort as we unveil a treasure trove of puns, quips, and uproarious anecdotes — all centered around the timeless classics and lesser-known gems of the art world. So grab your beret and monocle, and let’s dive headfirst into a canvas of laughter with these jokes about art history!
1. My trendy artworld sister refused to talk about the magnificent paintings by wildlife artist David Shepherd hanging on my walls. It was clearly the elephant in the room.
2. I once asked a privately-educated friend why he studied History of Art. His reply: “Well, I need to know what I’m buying”.
3. What was Kandinsky’s epitaph? Black lines matter.
4. In a New York art shop, a thief was caught red-handed, in the act of stealing an art magazine. The armed store detective yelled ‘Freeze!’ The thief replied ‘No, Art Forum actually!’
5. I went to visit Andrew Wyeth in his studio. His devoted wife Betsy told me ‘Sorry, Dr Stocker, you can’t come in. Andy has lost his tempera!’
6. The Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, has decided to prioritise the acquisition of art works by people of colour. It has therefore just purchased a Matisse.
7. An uncharacteristically clumsy painting by a great American realist caused him to be nicknamed ‘Clod Hopper’.
8. What did the mugger say to James Tissot? ‘Watch out!’
9. What was Abba’s biggest hit? Monet, Monet, Monet! (More Music Jokes)
10. Who was the sculptor whose life-cast toppled over? Sir Antony Gormless.
11. What did the art historian say when he was told he’d won the Lotto? ‘Terrific! Is it an Annunciation?’
12. I was shocked to see a conservator cleaning a dark old baroque painting with a toothbrush. I asked her ‘What’s the problem?’ She replied: ‘Mola decay!’
13. Charles Conder had an art critic sister, Anna. She could be really snaky…
14. Interviewer: Tell us, what do you think of Don McLean’s smash hit record all about you, Vincent? Vincent: Well, I only listened to it with half an ear!
15. Teacher: Now, class, let’s look at this great Pre-Raphaelite painting, The Carpenters Shop. Dim 70s student: It’s great, but where are Karen and Richard?
16. My new print-lovers’ blog has one golden rule: No Hayters.
17. What was Ad Reinhardt’s favourite pop song? ‘Paint it black’. He also liked ‘Black is black’ (Los Bravos).
18. An art history student visits the optometrist. Student: I’m feeling nauseous, everything I see looks wavy or spotty and it’s all in perpetual motion. Optometrist: You must have been doing an assignment on Bridget Riley. Focus on Malevich or Reinhardt instead!
19. How did a Marxist critic describe a sculpture of a small spider? Very petit Bourgeois!
20. My friend Lisa, an attractive young woman with plucked eyebrows who has a lovely smile the rare moments she is serene, is nonetheless prone to whine and whinge. You qualify as an art historian if you can guess her nickname.
21. My Maori friend Tama is slightly affected and has artistic aspirations. Hence he named his beloved daughter Moana Lisa.
22. The john in my little French weekend chateau in turn boasts exquisite decorative paintings, all by Carle van Loo.
23. What did Roger Fry’s great Bloomsbury buddy say when he beheld a lovely Cézanne? ‘Ah! C’est très Bell!’
24. If a Golden Age Dutch artist had ever turned his hand to watercolour, critics would surely admire ‘de wet-on-wet of de Wet’.
25. What did a Royalist critic say of the Marseillaise? Very Rude – she shouldn’t be pointing!
26. A true story: A couple of years ago I collaborated with two invertebrates specialists in authoring an article on Wenceslaus Hollar’s wonderful etchings of butterflies, moths and beetles. A friend asked me what my colleagues were like. I replied: ‘Lovely people but no backbone!’
27. Q. What do you think of the Guggenheim building? A. All Wright I suppose, but it cuts corners…
28. What was William Morris’s response to Art Nouveau? What Liberty!
29. What was Oliver Cromwell’s insouciant reaction to Puritan iconoclasm in one of Britain’s most beautiful cathedrals? ‘Well, well, Wells!’
30. An optimist on board the Raft of the Medusa chirps: ‘Hey guys, at least we’re not on a cruise ship in 2020!’
31. Caption for Norman Rockwell’s Girl with a Black Eye: Art history student who was involved in a heated argument about the Assisi problem and knows she’s right.
32. What is Rodin’s yummiest sculpture? The Burgers of Calais.
34. Conversation between two doctoral students of Abstract Expressionism: ‘This painting is black and white and red all over.’ ‘Well, it’s a bleeding Kline, innit?!’
35. What was Brancusi’s favourite breakfast food? All-Bran, naturally… (More Food Jokes)
36. A great G.F. Watts painting fetched a record price at Sotheby’s yesterday. The Sun’s headline: ‘500,000 Watts!’
37. Exhibition installer: ‘I’m looking for a painter who will enhance the red tints of this wall…’ Curator: ‘Use Henner!’
38. A Renaissance portrait of a thin, unknown aristocratic lady from Bergamo is for obvious reasons known to art historians as ‘Bony Moroni’.
39. What was did Anthony Caro’s bumper sticker say? Less is Moore.
40. What did the thief of Goya’s Portrait of the Duke of Wellington brilliantly succeed in conveying? The significance of the negative space in art.
41. A reactionary critical response to a realist masterpiece by Honoré Daumier: ‘Third-class, untrained painter, doesn’t know his station!’
42. My friend Jane asked me to recommend a good nail artist, so I naturally sent her off to Günther Uecker.
Do you have any more funny Jokes about Art History?
Sharing is caring. Help us build the BEST resource for jokes about art history (jokes for art historians or jokes for art teachers) on the internet… add any new ones you know in the comments below! Thanks a million!
